Write Right

I'm Breanna and I like to write.

I keep reading these long graphic poems that they send me— heart broken and filled with pain. I’ve never felt like that. Sometimes I actually wish I did. To feel something. Anything at all. To care about someone so much that their absence can inflict pain. I don’t feel that. I never have felt that. I’ve felt small bites as I shoo away most pests in my life. I’ve always heard silence and felt nothing.

But you know what does bring me feeling? That small rush that mixes a blurry haze with an exciting high. Those lines that burn at first and slowly turn my nostril numb and it grows down into my throat sometimes making it uncomfortable to swallow. Maybe that’s why I enjoy it so much. It gives me something that no one else can. Thin and milky white, she is mine.

And I’m addicted.

I don’t know who the fuck I am anymore. The more and more I think about the things I say and do the more and more I hate myself.

Smoke lingers around her lips just before she puckers them and blows out creating a temporary circle of thin wafting air. She flicks her cigarette out of her car window, and quickly glances back as she passes through the stop light. She holds her breath waiting for the car behind her to pass through the intersection. It may just be the sleep deprivation, but she doubts every decision she makes. Skeptical of the things she sees, she depends on other people to pass through the light, reassuring her sanity. Once two cars follow, she exhales and turns her gaze once more forward. I’m sitting in the passanger’s seat, observing it all. Have you ever seen anyone doubt their sanity? Have you ever doubted your own? I could’ve told her that she was right. I could’ve reassured her that the light was green. The only problem with that is— I am another fragment of her imagination. I am her insanity personified.

As a child, I remember clutching the back of my mother’s shirt at night. I would hold on as tight as I could as we slept- terrified that someone would sneak into the room and steal me away. I thought that if I could just hold on until the morning we would never be separated.

Now, I hold your shoulder tight. As we lay in the dead of night- silent. Your head laying gently on the top of my chest, moving up and down with the rhythm of my breathing. You softly snore, and I clutch tightly to your shoulder, and twist my fingers in between yours hoping that if I could only keep you close distance will never pull us apart. If I could hold you until the morning, time will never separate us. 

With heavy eyes
And an even heavier heart,
I lay my head on my pillow
Wishing you were next to me.

To get lost in your storm
Would be tragically beautiful.

To feel your rain
Beating against my skin.

To have your waves
Consume me whole.

For your winds
To pull my hair
And tear me from the ground.

For your lighting
To pulse through my body
And crack my very core.

I am a disaster
And you are the storm.

You arrive in waves.
And I am crushed.

I hold my breath and hope
That it will last

But with you I drown.

Floating beneath your surface
Def to anything but your touch.

I am surrounded
You fill every crack in my body.

But with you I drown.

You arrive in waves
And I am crushed.

Sooooooo I’m sorta starting to try to write a novel. I’ll periodically post chapters or half chapters that aren’t very edited! Bear with me please!

Cigarette Break

The first spark of my lighter ignites the darkness
And I realize
Night can be calm if you’d like.

You can treasure the way the wet concrete feels beneath your bare feet.
You can look out into an empty street and imagine all the people in their houses sleeping peacefully.

The entire world can be calm- even if its only from your perspective.
You can listen to tiny insects that can’t be heard in the noise of day.

Or you can watch your cigarette illuminate the vast darkness
And gaze upon the distant stars and wonder if they’ve already died but haven’t yet disappeared.

Just listen to the crackle every inhale makes and watch the cherry chase your breath.
Follow the smoke and watch as the wind takes it on an erratic path into the stars.

I want to leave this place.
I want to run away
Into the stars.
I want to curl up in a moons crater.
I’d gaze upon stars close up
And look at the crumbling earth
And think of all the people hurting.
I want to jump to the sun
And maybe get a tan.
I want to float in space
And not have to worry.
I want to leave it all
And build a universe of my own
Somewhere else.